Green Building, Lowgap, North Carolina
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 354
Well hi! So nice to be here! Gosh darn it, what a lovely podium! Hey, can I call you Joe? And can I call you Gwen? So nice to meetcha both. And all of you watchin' at home. There was some good college basketball today, I'm gonna show you highlights plus tell you all about that next so stay right there.
Sorry, where was I? Oh yes. Tonight I'll be repeatin' the stuff they told me to say about John McCain's plan for the next four years and explainin' why my executive experience makes me just perfect to be the second most powerful person in the world. America, tonight I'm not gonna pass out or vomit on my shoes, which is the first and most important criteria for this very important job. Did I mention I come from Alaska? (wink)
Okay, here goes! Let's talk economy. You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, "How are you feelin' about the economy?"
If they say "Darn it, I can't pay for gosh darn gas to fill up my darn gas tank," then you know that you're talkin' to a real Joe Sixpack or hockey mom, even if you're at a soccer game. So what we need is less taxes and more changes and we kinda need more mavericks in government, a team of mavericks like John McCain and myself, so we can have less taxes and more changes and better economy. (wink)
Now I understand that the American people wanna hear specifics. But hold on there one darn second. I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you wanna hear, Joe, but I'm gonna talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also, doggone it. So let's talk about education. America needs to be puttin' a lot more focus on that and our schools have got to be really ramped up in terms of the funding that they are deservin'. Here's a shout-out to all the third graders! Don't worry about the teachers, their reward will be in heaven. Unless they're gay teachers, in which case they'll be burnin' in the flamin' pits of hell. (wink)
But I also wanna clarify, if there's any kinda suggestion at all from my answer that I would be anythin' but tolerant of adults in America choosin' their partners, choosin' relationships that they deem best for themselves, ya know, choosin' ta be the gay, I am tolerant and I have a very diverse family and group of friends and even within that group you would see some who may not agree with me on this issue, some very dear friends who don't agree with me on this issue. In fact, some of my best friends are going to hell!
Let's talk energy. Tillerson at Exxon and Mulva at ConocoPhillips, bless their hearts, they're doin' what they need to do, as corporate CEOs, but they're not my biggest fans, because what I had to do up there in Alaska was to break up a monopoly up there and say, ya know, the people are gonna come first and we're gonna make sure that we have value given to the people of Alaska with those resources. So let's open up Alaska to more oil drillin' and drill baby drill! That'll teach those gosh darn big oil CEOs a thing or two.
You might be worried that all that drillin' might be bad for the environment. Now, I'm not one to attribute every activity of man to the changes in the climate. There is somethin' to be said also for man's activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. (wink) But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. And I don't wanna argue about the causes. What I wanna argue about is, how are we going to get there to positively affect the impacts? I guess what I'm sayin' is, let's not worry about what's causin' all these problems with the climate, let's just fix the gosh darn thing.
So how long have I been at this, like five weeks? Let me tell ya I've spent much of those five weeks wonderin' if the vice president has enough power, to be honest. I think the answer is heck no! I mean, Dick Cheney is cool and all, but the foundin' fathers were very wise there in allowin' through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And perhaps Dick Cheney's problem was that he just wasn't flexible enough. For example, I plan to have a seat for my husband Todd, and perhaps a parkin' space for his snow machine, right there in the Oval Office. Er, I mean the vice president's office! (wink) Because family is so important.
Um, okay... let's see here... Iraq. Say it ain't so, Joe, your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq. Zing! And as for who coined that central war on terror being in Iraq, it was the Gen. Petraeus and al Qaeda, both leaders there and it's probably the only thing that they're ever gonna agree on, but that it was a central war on terror is in Iraq. You don't have to believe me or John McCain on that. I would believe Petraeus and the leader of al Qaeda. Whoever that is. And I think there's a fundamental difference between Joe and myself here, which is that he thinks the policies of the Bush administration have been an abject failure, and I do not.
So to sum up, I like being able to answer these tough questions without the filter, even, of the mainstream media kinda tellin' viewers what they've just heard. We're tired of politics as usual. And that's why, with all due respect, I do respect your years in the U.S. Senate, Joe, but gosh darn it I think Americans are cravin' somethin' new and different and that new energy and that new commitment that's going to come with reform. And if there's one thing that says new and different and new energy and new commitment and reform, it's "President John McCain." You betcha!
Good night! (wink)